dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
