Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
