i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
