We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I got inside last night via doggy door
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
