thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Your penis caused this!
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
