The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
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