can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
My vagina just recognized that song.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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