I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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