Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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