Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
