bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize