Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
