mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize