So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I need to align my fucking chakras
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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