She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Four minutes until I can fart!
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
