everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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