If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
