I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
