pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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