just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
