He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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