No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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