I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
