if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
