i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
