I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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