Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
