Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize