Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
