What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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