she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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