she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
