Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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