In America we eat man semen.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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