so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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