Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
