He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
