I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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