Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
