Dude my mom stole all your condoms
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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