And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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