I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize