i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
