Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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