: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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