You made me cry and you don't even care
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
