I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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