I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
