Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
