i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
