I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
