dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Small penises have feelings too.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I have fence marks all over my body
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
