I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
you didnt know i had herpes?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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