Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
